The woman I love, the woman who's such a good mother to our daughter, Hina, the woman who picks up my dirty socks and accommodates my almost daily craving for Chinese food, is out to get me. And there's no way I'm going to let her. If I apologize, I'll feel weak. If I say I'll clean the store, I'll feel as though I'm agreeing to be her servant.
Yet even as my anger builds, somewhere in the back of my mind I know that the real problem isn't an untidy store, living or bedroom. It's how we're treating each other. I'm right. You're wrong. And I'm going to argue until you admit it. We've started behaving like enemies. And the longer we argue, the more defensive we'll get and the more we'll lash out, until a quarrel about tidiness turns into a heated referendum about which one of us deserves to live.
On its own, the small stuff is just that small. But if you're not careful, it can turn into a big problem that tears at the fabric of your relationships. I know this because I've spent the past 28 years researching the role of emotions in conflict situations, and because I've had 10 years of experience as a Life Skill Coach. Unfortunately, all my knowledge doesn't make me any less human. Like every husband on earth, I argue with my wife.
Luckily, my work has given me insight into dealing constructively with arguments. The key insight is that solving the big problem first prevents the small problems from snowballing. Though that may sound backward and impossible to pull off in the heat of battle but it's not. Here's how it works.
As my wife and I exchange insults, friendly conversation seems miles away. But before I criticize her for attacking me, I focus on a sign in my mind that reads, turn a nagging wife into a supporting partner. This is important because it will change the way I'm acting toward my wife. As her opponent, I want to defeat her. As her partner, I want to listen to her, really listen. The trouble is, it's hard to listen when all the circuits in my brain are telling me, "She's wrong! I'm right!" I need to regain my emotional balance, but I can't do that while my wife's giving me the evil eye. So I fall back on a plan I've made in advance.
Yet even as my anger builds, somewhere in the back of my mind I know that the real problem isn't an untidy store, living or bedroom. It's how we're treating each other. I'm right. You're wrong. And I'm going to argue until you admit it. We've started behaving like enemies. And the longer we argue, the more defensive we'll get and the more we'll lash out, until a quarrel about tidiness turns into a heated referendum about which one of us deserves to live.
On its own, the small stuff is just that small. But if you're not careful, it can turn into a big problem that tears at the fabric of your relationships. I know this because I've spent the past 28 years researching the role of emotions in conflict situations, and because I've had 10 years of experience as a Life Skill Coach. Unfortunately, all my knowledge doesn't make me any less human. Like every husband on earth, I argue with my wife.
Luckily, my work has given me insight into dealing constructively with arguments. The key insight is that solving the big problem first prevents the small problems from snowballing. Though that may sound backward and impossible to pull off in the heat of battle but it's not. Here's how it works.
As my wife and I exchange insults, friendly conversation seems miles away. But before I criticize her for attacking me, I focus on a sign in my mind that reads, turn a nagging wife into a supporting partner. This is important because it will change the way I'm acting toward my wife. As her opponent, I want to defeat her. As her partner, I want to listen to her, really listen. The trouble is, it's hard to listen when all the circuits in my brain are telling me, "She's wrong! I'm right!" I need to regain my emotional balance, but I can't do that while my wife's giving me the evil eye. So I fall back on a plan I've made in advance.
"Fine "My wife walks out. I can tell she was sorely tempted to slam the door behind her. I sit up in bed so I don't fall back asleep. My anger, on the other hand, stays right where it is. How dare she accuse me of not helping around the house? And what gives her the right to wake me so early on a Saturday morning? In a way, it feels good to travel down this road of blame. But knowing that the further I go, the worse things will be for my marriage, I recall our past arguments.
My Khala, who lives in the US, is always there for advice, you may not have a khala like her, but chances are you have someone like her: a compassionate person with a knack for listening without judging. If she were here, she'd tell me to take a deep breath and explain the situation. And then she'd gently try to steer me toward seeing my wife's point of view. What's brilliant about her approach is that it has my interests at heart. Once my wife feels heard, she'll be much more likely to listen to me. So, reluctantly, I resolve to try to imagine only just for a moment, that I'm my wife.
If I were to become my wife right now, I'd say, "I wake up at the crack of dawn to prepare Hina’s breakfast & lunch box. I iron her dress, accompany her to wait for the contract carrier to pick her up, and then do the laundry, prepare my husband’s breakfast & pack his lunch box, iron his clothes, keep his office briefcase ready. After my husband leaves for work, I go to the market for groceries, go to the bank if necessary, and do the dishes and clean up around the house. I know my husband has a busy schedule, but so do I.
"Seeing my wife's side makes me feel uncomfortable, less entitled and that's a good sign. I keep going. I see that I've left her with two bad choices: Do the household work herself or nag me. She wants to be supported, but instead she's trapped. Now I'm really starting to twist because my sense of empathy is waking up. I never meant for my wife to feel unsupported.It feels as though a weight has been lifted from me. I think I understand my wife's viewpoint, which makes all those deadly thoughts about how mean she is, start to disappear. But happy days aren't here again yet. My wife is still angry. And telling her "I understand!" won't be enough.
In the drawing room, my wife sits on the couch, reading. She doesn't look up. Her anger is clear. Normally, this would be enough to retrigger my own anger. Today, though, I come prepared. I interpret her behaviour not as a desire to attack, but rather as a need for support.
"Look," I say. "We can spend all day today arguing over this matter. Or we can talk this out." She nods.I say, "I've thought about how things might look from your perspective.""Really?" my wife says sarcastically. "So what am I feeling?"Now I'm in danger, but I take the risk. "I started thinking about how much you're doing every day. Between taking care of our family and keeping up with the house, it's a lot. If I were in your shoes, I'd feel besieged.""Of course it's crushing! Why should all the work be left to me?"My heart skips a beat. My aggression surges back. Not only did I spend last night doing my pending office assignment, but I also cleaned the storeroom the night before. I'm about to defend my position, to tell her all the reasons I'm right and she's wrong, when it occurs to me that she's come prepared with a list of her own. Arguing like this will put us back in the roles of opponents, exactly where we don't want to be.Here's where a crucial truth comes in handy: There is power in one. Even if my wife initially resists my invitation to talk through our fight, I don't need to react in kind. I can say and do things to turn both of us into partners. All it takes is determination in trying to understand her point of view so that she feels appreciated.
For some people me included, this can be an exciting challenge.I look in the eyes of my wife and ask, "What are you hoping for right now?" I'm not attacking, and immediately her anger loses some steam. Her face softens. "I feel like I don't have a second to myself." As I listen, we both become more engaged. The tone of our conversation slowly shifts. We're becoming partners again.Once our emotions are working with us, not against us, we can figure out any number of ways to deal with the mess in the household. We can also address the deeper issue: making sure my wife has some time to herself. And the next time I leave a chore undone, she'll wonder what came up and probably ask me about it. I, on the other hand, will do my best not to put her in that situation. Not because cleaning the store is the most crucial thing in life, but because we never want to dish out more than our relationship can take.
No comments:
Post a Comment